yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
