You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
