So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
