Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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