Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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