i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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