Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
