Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
BRING THE BAGELS
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Randomize
