Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
We left the knife in your bed.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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