wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
accomplished twins. life is a go
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
