I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
