never play flip cup with pint glasses
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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