YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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