one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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