Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
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