I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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