Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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