Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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