ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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