The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
