I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
