The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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