It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
