I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
whose ass print is on the piano?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
