she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
