Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Randomize
