im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
