He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
