watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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