wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Randomize
