I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
