theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
