We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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