Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize