my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
