we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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