he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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