Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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