We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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