Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
You have to summon your inner elephant
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize