i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
