I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
