in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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