life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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