He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
