I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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