dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
