I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
