Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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