So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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