The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i dont even know how to be here
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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