so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Sober January is a disaster.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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