I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
