who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
