what is it with giant penises always finding me
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
