We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
