mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
