Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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