I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
