i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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