I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
