When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
